Why does the one guy have a booger hanging out of his nose?

I didn't think I'd still be doing these this late into the year, but since the movie's out this weekend and I'm on the subject anyway, I want someone to explain this to me.

Now, to be fair, Movie IV hasn't irritated me the way it's predecessors have. That first Harry Potter trailer STILL infuriates me from how smarmy and overplayed it was on TV, and that was like five years ago. The second movie drove me nuts because that was the year I went to Wizard World and saw some movie poster with Dobby on it for sale at one of the booths. All I know is that I don't go to Harry Potter conventions and buy Superman comics, so I don't see why Harry Potter crap is being sold at my comic book convention. It's just wrong. After the movie came and went, of course, then you had the lady on the inDemand PPV preview channel hawking it all the time, with that condescending voice people on TV always used to use when discussing Harry Potter. Everytime I hear how much darker HP has gotten from those early installments, I think it's bull, but I've got to admit, ever since 2003 or so, people have finally stopped talking about Harry Potter like everyone in America is eight years old. Finally, the third movie mostly annoyed me because of the computer game adaptation. The ads for it always started out like it was a fairly interesting game. Scary music, black spectres flying around a snowy forest, everything's OK so far... until you see that they're chasing three thirteen-year-olds. It's supposed to make you mark out because you realize it's a game about your favorite characters, but I always sighed with annoyance because I was expecting someone taller. Or Spongebob. He'd be good. On the plus side, I was always amused with how the Prisoner of Azkaban's action figure looks just like Jesus Christ in a chain gang.

Anyway, with this new movie, I just don't watch as much TV as I used to, so the media blitz hasn't gotten to me. Also, I'm reviewing this frickin-frackin' book, so my hateful energies have been directed elsewhere. Nevertheless, I find reviews of GoF, like the one by CNN's Paul Clinton above, very familiar. Like all the movies before it, there seems to be a certain style to reviewing Harry Potter movies. You start out by talking about how much you love Harry Potter, how you read all the books and watched all the previous movies, and whenever you have any problems with the new film, you have to express that negativity as penitently as possible. Ask yourself, would any other movie review include a sentence like this one?

"I'm not saying the magic is gone, but I've lost that loving feeling."

I'm not saying Paul Clinton has to hate the movie, but it's almost like he's trying to apologize for not liking it as much as he could have, like he thinks J.K. Rowling will cry all night into her pillow if he gives it anything less than a perfect score. Or what about this gem:

So I'm less than thrilled. No matter. Seeing a "Potter" film is generally worth it. There's much to appreciate here, and there will be many people to appreciate it.

So he didn't totally love what he saw, but that's OK, because the mere act of seeing the movie was worth the experience. Also, this is a good movie because lots of people will enjoy it. Hey, heroin is popular too, that doesn't make up for its shortcomings. Again, if Paul Clinton likes the movie, fine. What I don't care for is that he seems to hint at some sort of problem he had with it, and yet he refuses to stop kissing Rowling's ass long enough to say just what that problem is. Maybe he's afraid of hate mail or something. Hey, I've been busting Potter's balls for four months now, and everyone seems pretty cool about it, so I don't know why he'd be concerned. I sense great fear in you, Paul Clinton. You have hate. You have anger. But you don't use them.

So my challenge this time around is for anyone who's seen "Goblet" to post a comment here and bash it. I'm not saying you had to hate it or anything, but as I learned in my college creative writing course, effective critique means you have to find at least one good thing and one bad thing about the material, otherwise the person who created the work wouldn't be able to figure out what strengths to play up and what weaknesses to overcome. Not that Warner Bros. is ever gonna go broke making these movies, but just the same, in that spirit of honest critique, let's whip out our red pens and make with the negativity, just this once.

Of course, I could just read my friends list, as they all get back from seeing this thing, but that's too much work. I like my idea better.


( Almost there... almost there... )

OK, I gotta go back to work tonight, so I'm gonna make this one quick.

( All right, then, Chapter 27? Dammit, I thought I already did this one. )

As you may have noticed, it's October 23, and I'm still doing these things. My plan was to have already received my copy of "Dagon Bal Z: Budokai Tenkaichi" by now, and to have finished reviewing this book well in advance of that date. Well, while it's just as well that my shipment is late, because I haven't been able to finish as scheduled, I'm still pretty ticked at Amazon.

Mainly, this is because they haven't even shipped the thing yet. This game was released October 18, and Amazon's site says the "delivery estimate" was October 21, which I found hard to swallow since I ordered it with free shipping, meaning it'd take at least five to seven days to get here. So if I hadn't gotten it until next week, that'd be cool, except they haven't even shipped the damn thing yet. I'm half tempted to cancel the order and buy it from Wal-Mart, except I really don't have time to play it right now anyway, so it works out.

Still, this goes back to my annoyance with Harry Potter, since when Half-Blood Prince was solicited on Amazon, they made a guarantee that pre-ordered copies wouldn't be SHIPPED on the day of release, but they'd ARRIVE on that day. And that's great for Harry Potter fans, but it irritates me to no end that this sort of guarantee could probably be applied to all sorts of things, but it's only done in this one case, because Harry Potter fans are either numerous enough or spiteful enough that Amazon feels the need to appease them. Someone, somewhere out there, could be just as desperate for the new Jake the Snake Roberts DVD as everyone else was for Book 6 back in July, but he'll just have to sit around and wait, because Earthquake killing Damien isn't as important as watching Kreacher and Dobby fight. That's not right.

Anyway, on with the book.

( Zombies, kids! Enjoy it while it lasts! )

OK, Law & Order's gonna be on in about fifteen minutes, so I'm gonna go ahead and post this before I get some wacky idea to photomanipulate Dumbledore's head on a Gundam pilot or something, or write a long treatise about how Hogwarts is a metaphor for the Eurpoean Union. Keepin' this one short and sweet, folks.

( That flighty temptress, an LJ-cut. )

All right. OK...






So now what?

( Now, this. )

I had planned on getting to this one a lot sooner, but I had the week from hell at my job this week, so things didn't go as planned. Among the highlights of this are:

--Me working a 24 hour shift on Tuesday, because everyone who manufactures, sells, distributes, and supplies chemicals has excrement where their brains should be.

--Me trying to do double duty, because I got transferred to replace the guy who quit two weeks ago, but they still haven't bothered hiring the guy who's supposed to replace the guy who gets transferred to replace me.

--Me pulling a fifteen hour shift on Friday, because somebody else screwed up their work and I have to wait around to find out what we're gonna do about it.

--Me eating a meat lover's bowl at Denny's. Well, this wasn't so bad. One of the perks to being a chemist who works weird hours is that sometimes you have an hour to kill and you can go eat at Denny's because you have time.

I don't mind the hard work necessarily, but I really didn't know going in that it'd get this hairy. I think next week will go a little smoother just because I'll know what I'm in for, and I can make sure to come in earlier so I can get things ready before the rush begins. Just the same, I'm a little irritated that everyone around me seems to be making my job more difficult. When someone f*cks up, that's more work on me, because now I have to retest something to make sure whether it was f*cked up or not. And I didn't really have time to test it once, so how well is testing it again gonna go over with me, you know? I need a T-shirt that says "I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR F*CK-UP," and wear it to work every day. "Hey, Mike, that material was supposed to be NF grade, but the vendor has no idea what NF stands for!" Read the shirt. "Hey, Mike, the guy that was supposed to add x amount of preservative only added x-y instead!" Read the shirt. "Hey, Mike, remember all that rubbing alcohol we sold you? Well we mislabeled every container, because our quality control sucks and we're relying on a truck driver to make sure it was done properly!" Read the shirt.

I'm just sick of dumbasses. It seems like every extra hour of work I have to put in is to compensate for some numbnuts who couldn't or wouldn't do his job right. There's probably some Republican bumper sticker that covers my grievance much more succinctly. Something about how my tax dollars pay for some hippie to fling poop at a canvas and call it art. That never bothered me much, but it's exactly the same kind of thing I deal with in my career.

Anyway, I've spent most of today taking a nap, and generally goofing around, because I've been tire and I'm out of clean socks. Fair warning: my review this time around will suck, or at least, more so than the others have sucked.

( Read the shirt... wait, I mean, 'Read more...' )

[Jim Smith] Hey, I read Chapter 21 last night.

[Mike Smith] Sweet. You ready to rock, then?

[Jim Smith] Yeah, I guess. Do I need the book in front of me?

[Mike Smith] Probably not, as long as I've got my copy here. My copy's better anyway, because I drew a picture of a bear on page 468.

[Jim Smith] Yeah, I really wanted to draw all over this thing, but Mom might re-read it someday.

[Mike Smith] It's the kind of book that just make you want to write all over it, isn't it?

[Jim Smith] I went ahead and got it out. I'm just leery of her seeing me with this thing. I think I'd rather be caught looking at gay porn.

[Mike Smith] "Jim, what are you doing in there?" "Don't LOOK AT ME!"

[Jim Smith] "I don't actually LIKE this, I'm reviewing it for a LiveJournal!" Yeah, she'd buy that. If she thought I derived any enjoyment from this book, she'd make me watch the movies, I just know it.

[Mike Smith] I find it less irksome in book form, really. The characters have different voices when I read it, and there's no Danny Elfman music, or John Williams or whoever it is.

[Jim Smith] Man, you picked the perfect time to get me to help out. Raw sucks. They opened with Stephanie McMahon, then they brought back frigging *Doink*. And this is like the second time Carlito's come out.

[Mike Smith] Yeah, you have to give Rowling credit for that. Her work is mercifully Carlito-free.

[Jim Smith] Now I'm gonna act like it isn't.

[Mike Smith] ( Das'cool )

Because Mike DEMANDED it!

VS.


( One wins, one DIES! )

I'm gonna be seeing "Serenity" in a li'l bit, because I could go for a movie, and some sick, sad part of me demands I check this thing out to see if it lives up to the hype, or dies like its flagging box office take (now a staggering $14.3 million). Sort of the same sado-masochistic tendencies that got me reading this book. More on this next time, I guess.

Earlier today, I dropped by the Target, mainly for an excuse to go outside, and found they were finally putting some anime DVD's on clearance. I think I read somewhere that Target's scaling back their DVD sales or whatever, so they're not really doing anime anymore. Which is fine, because they've had the exact same selection there since mid-March. And so I eagerly snapped up the first two volumes of DBZ's Great Saiyaman Saga, because I've always loved that neat five-episode arc about Goku in the Otherworld Tournament. At $7.50 a pop, these were ironically even cheaper than the ten dollar edited VHS editions I got from Wal-Mart back in 2001. So good deal, all around.

One of my (many) pet peeves is that whenever I buy action figures or DVD's or stuff like this, there's pretty good odds that the cashier will make some comment on my purchase. I hate this, because it's a waste of my time, and I despise humanity in general. I've never minded being a geek because of the stuff I like. What I hate is this sense of "geek community", where other DBZ fans feel they can just strike up conversations with complete strangers because of that single connection. I also don't care for "geek authority", the phenomenon where geeks feel that because they're the only ones they know with their interests, then their input on those interests is somehow critical to anyone else.

So I take my stuff of to this guy, and instead of actually swiping the barcodes or anything, he just stares lovingly at each DVD, nodding his head like a father of a young child would do the first time he ties his shoes correctly. THEN, he swipes the DVDs through the scanners, and goes "Yes, that was one of my favorite battles... the Otherworld Tournament." I quickly thanked him for giving me my receipt, and left.

Now, this might now seem so annoying, but imagine how dumb this scene would be if I were buying something else, like socks, or a can of Raid. "Ah yes, definitely one of my favorite clothing manufacturers, Hanes." I pity any girls who end up in this kind of situation.

Really, that kind of thing drives me nuts. I want to get OUT of the store so I can watch my DVD's, not listen to some guy talk about it. I'm sure if I had given him any encouragement, he would have told me all ABOUT Dragon Ball Z, expecting me to stand there for an hour and hang on his every word. If I want to do that, I'll go talk to DBZ fans I actually know. You know, they're called "friends"? But I'm sure this cashier is the only guy he knows who's into DBZ, so he thinks that makes him Mr. DBZ or something. Just like the cashier at the Sam Goody who rang up my ELO CD fancies himself Mr. ELO. Sometimes I wonder if cashiers just sit around all day looking forward to the next time a customer purchases something they like.

Now that I think of it, the last time this happened was when I bought an Anakin Skywalker action figure from the same store, and the lady at the register had to tell me how much she loved Ani in the movies... until turned evil. Gee, you think Anakin turning evil is a BAD THING? Wow, that sure makes you different from everyone else in the entire country.

No, wait, I'm recalling another instance, when I bought an MST3K box set, and the cashier started grilling me about MST3K, wondering if it was funny or not. Right, because it's my job to drop what I'm doing and advertise Circuit City's own wares to the people who work there. I think this was the same guy who expressed great interest in the foam circle jutting out from the DVD box, like there was something bizarre about it that compelled him to pick at it.

Anyway, if you work, or will ever work, in the retail business, do me a favor and just keep your mouth shut. No one's interested in what you have to say about the merchandise. Just swipe it, take my money, and let me leave. And they wonder why they're losing business to places like Amazon.

Well, time to make the donuts, I guess. ( Shazam! )

No, you didn't miss one. I'm skipping ahead to Chapter 22.

I've been considering this as far back as Chapter 8. This is just a book to me, which is why I have no qualms about writing on the pages, lambasting the author, turning random characters into robots, etc. So why shouldn't I just start reading it out of order? It seemed like a perfectly mischievous thing to do.

And yet, I didn't want it to look like I wasn't giving this narrative a fair shake. And somewhere around Chapters 9-13, I found I really didn't want to skip around too much, because it seemed like things were really starting to get moving, and I didn't want to miss anything, so I stayed the course. Lately, however, things have gotten into a rut, plotwise, so I figured it might keep things interesting to fast forward a little and see what develops. Besides, when I think back on all the things I enjoy, my first impressions of them were formed from watching the episodes out of sequence. So don't think this screwball behavior will reflect negatively on the book. And don't worry, I'll come right back and finish the three chapters I've passed over, but for now, let's just try this and see what happens.

So now, join me, as I take a trip into the mysterious future that lies ahead, well into the end of this week, I would imagine, when I finish Chapter 21 and get started on 23. ( Wooo-eee-oooo... )

Had a crappy day today, so I'm channeling my inner Ron and lashing out at Serenity fans.

Let me clarify that first. If you just wanted to go see this movie and enjoy it for what it is, then you're exempt from this rant. If, on the other hand, you're one of the nutbars who wanted this thing to sweep the nation and become this century's Super-Duper Science Fiction Franchise, with Whedon as it's Snarky Dialogue King, then you don't get off so easily.

So first there was crap like this.

I decided to hold my peace about Serenity and Jossamania for a while, and then I happened upon this.

Now, while some might choose to debate the success of the film, let me point out that when your movie cost $39,000,000 to make, and it only brings in $11,000,000 on its opening weekend, then the only way it can be even remotely considered successful is if it rakes in the same amount of money each week for the next three weeks. This is not likely to happen. Even if it does, this hardly makes up for all the hype I've had to put up with for the last several months. Trailers that practically brag about how little they reveal about the premise of the film. Whedon fans interrupting important Marvel Comics panels to ask idiot questions. Half a dozen crappy River icons. Incessant memes. I've given some thought to seeing this thing, just so I can take an informed crap on it, but like much of America, I'm starting to think I'd rather watch Jodie Foster run around on a plane for two hours.

foenix posted an excerpt from Whedon's journal about the movie possibly premiering prior to 9/30/05, because it was testing so well that the studio was starting to think it looked as big as Star Wars. "Oh. . .you guys probably won’t even have to wait until September 30th anymore. Our test markets and advance screenings are off the charts. . .we had no idea. . .when you said, ’Big following’, I didn’t realize how big. . ."

Yes, Whedon, much like those guys who made "Independence Day" and "Starship Troopers" before him, was supposed to be the new George Lucas or something, and turn this humble little sci-fi film into a huge blockbuster, because Joss Whedon's writing heals the lame and causes poor people to poop bricks of solid gold, and his legions and legions of loyal Buffy fans would turn out in droves to support it. Well, where is your savior now?

Nothing against Joss, mind you. I think his work on Astonishing X-Men is leaps and bounds ahead of what Chris Claremont is doing, so that's one late-70's icon he's more than welcome to overtake. But if you know me, you know I don't have much tolerance for the overrated. The way people talk about this got-damned movie of his, it should do my taxes and inject me with a free dose of heroin while it pleasures me to multiple orgasms with its hip, snarky dialogue. You know, just like this sonofabitchin' book was supposed to do? Remember that?

The point I'm trying to make here is that anybody who chuckled at that stupid "Joss Whedon Is My Master Now" shirt, or any of this other B.S. that's been going around, let's take a minute to get some freaking perspective, OK? Let's assume for a moment that Jar Jar Binks really was a bad idea, and Hayden Christensen really was a wooden actor, and let's assume Lucas was hit on the head five hundred times prior to writing the prequels. The prequels, for the sake of argument, were the worst idea in existence, and were horribly executed in all possible ways. And yet, somehow it still outperforms "Serenity", at least financially, as illustrated by the diagram below.



Now, how could Jar Jar--history's greatest monster--beat out a super-awesome idea like River? I haven't got a clue, because I haven't seen Serenity, but you know what? Neither had anyone else back in May, when all the fans were wetting themselves over the trailer and swearing up and down that this would be the greatest film ever, simply because of some kickboxing emo chick and a guy deadpanning the line "Oh my God, we're all gonna die." Well, holy cow. Obviously a movie featuring TV characters MUST be bound for glory.

I don't know where I'm headed with this. Mostly, whenever one of these giant golden statues appears, I just take a perverse pleasure in watching as the feet of clay are inevitably exposed. And despite being one myself, I kind of enjoy watching internet nerds fail. Oh, we'll just raise forty million dollars and keep Star Trek on the air forever! Oh, we'll just rally around some other guy and create a NEW science fiction franchise juggernaut! Well, we'll just write our OWN Harry Potter novel where Hermione can do no wrong! ( And that should be as good a sentence as any to get me back on topic... )

Just so I could throw my last issue of Previews away, this is my comics list for November, posted here because I really need to keep better track.

Subscriptions
Superman/Batman #24
JSA #79
Nightwing #114
Detective Comics #813
Batman #647
Wonder Woman #223
Amazing Spider-Man #526
Wolverine #36
Captain America #13
Fantastic Four #533

Buy at the store
Conan #22
Conan and the Demons of Khitai #2 (of 4)
Superman Secret Files 2005
All-Star Superman #1 (of 12)
Green Lantern #7
New Thunderbolts #15
The Thing #1
Black Widow 2 #3 (of 6)
Defenders #5 (of 5)

Geez, I buy a lot of comic books. It's a good thing comics rule or I'd have to do something about that. Now, ( down to business. )

OK, I gotta get my butt in gear. October 21st, people. That's the day Amazon is supposed to have delivered my copy of Dragon Ball Z: Budokai Tenkaichi for the Playstation 2. Every year they make one of these games, and every year I play the hell out of 'em for about four months to the exclusion of about everything else. This time around you can fight Janemba. I am NOT interrupting that to write about how Ron and Hermione feel all squishy around each other. I'll show that bastard the suffering hell reviewing Harry Potter books is renowned for! He'll think about this abuse before he tries to inflict pain again!

Of course, I remain committed to finishing this project. Which means that I must complete the book before October 21, 2005. Fifteen chapters in about twenty-odd days. It'll be tough, which is why I've set up this motivational image to keep me focused on the goal. Right now I may be strapped to a box of springs while some creepy Russian dude shocks me and threatens to gouge out my friends eyes with a red hot machete, but when I get on the radio and contact my home base, all I'll have to say to Janemba is: "I'm comin' for you."

( All right chums up, let's do this. LEEROYYYYYYYYYY JENNNNNNKINNNNNS!!!!!!! )

Ugh. This one about broke me, folks. I give you Fifteen, the Chapter That Wouldn't End.

( Cut so your head won't explode from all the thrilling library/teacher's office/empty classroom ACTION!!!!!!! )

In reference to my poll from last week, "All Nude" was the leading choice when I actually went home and faced Jim in the video game ring. Unfortunately, the jerks at Nintendo didn't allow nudity as an option, so I was left with the next best thing: sumo wrestler undies. I also gave the Buttdawg a really stupid top hat, so I basically ended up looking like Baby New Year. With a full beard. Well, not a FULL beard, because the jerks at Nintendo wouldn't let me have a beard with sideburns. I swear, the government needs to start passing laws to reform video game create-a-wrestler menus.

I lost more than I won, but that's only because Jim cheats and the Gamecube controller is all confusing and bizarre to me. "B" button? Now you've totally lost me. Also, the sumo outfit was kind of distracting me. Once I put my pants back on things got a little easier.

The true horror, however, was the Mystery Man Jim created for me to face. This takes some time to explain, but in recent weeks I've gotten interested in the internet fad of You're the Man Now, Dog. The whole bit originated with this but then spun off into many other sites where people would put up a weird image with some appropriate music and publish it on the internet for all to see. One of the subgenres of this is the timeless art of Spoiling Harry Potter.

On the off chance that you haven't actually finished this book, I won't go into details. Suffice to say, that Something Big Goes Down towards the end, and if you go on ytmnd.com and do a search for Harry Potter, you'll figure it out for yourself. Or, you could do a search for "Kool-aid" and find a song about how Batman loves Kool-Aid. Your call.

Anyway, my all-time favorite "Spoiling Harry Potter" site is this one right here. View at your own spoil-y risk, but the point is that Jim was inspired to make a create-a-wrestler out of this and have him fight me. Pretty friggin' traumatic.

Anyway, in honor of all of this, I'm gonna make this chapter the You're the Man Now Dog chapter. This should have a cool theme song, and while some selection from the Harry Potter soundtracks would be more appropriate for this, I think you know me better than that.

( Oh, it makes me fired up! Sparking! )

If my own friendslist is any indication, I'm pretty sure there's nothing for me to say about the post-Katrina situation that hasn't already been beaten to death on Livejournal already. The impression I'm getting now is that they've finally got things straightened out, and about half of the about 50,000 people who've been stuck in New Orleans this week are finally getting evacuated. Of course, I have no idea what the numbers in New Orleans are supposed to be, but I heard Geraldo describe the crowd by the Superdome as "noticably thinner", which I can only pray is a good sign. Of course, getting evacuated is just the first step in something like this, and the enduring struggle is going to be one of how to relocate and support half a million unemployed homeless people while we rebuild their city, but I like their odds outside the city a hell of a lot better.

For me, that's a big relief, because for the last four days there didn't seem to be any real progress at all. People can (and should) point fingers and accuse different levels of the government for the holdup, but at least the relief effort finally seems to be underway, so now everyone can turn their attention to "What took so long?" and "What will we do next?"

On the subject of blame, I think Newsweek's Rabbi Marc Gellman covers it much better than I could.

Now, before anyone thinks I tagged this entry wrong, yes, this is the thirteenth in my series of reviews of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Truthfully, I had this one written a week ago, and I had planned to post it just before Labor Day while I went on vacation. But my car's shot, so I'm here to post it live, so to speak, so I figure I'll try to make lemonade out of this.

Undoubtedly, this little book review thing is just about the most popular feature I've had since I started this journal. I credit the legions of masochistic Harry Potter fans that make this country great. In my wildest egotistical fancies, I could see this somehow giving me enough traffic to justify one of those famous websites out there, like X-Entertainment, or that webcam where you can make a robot hand wave at a cat. Then I could turn into a big jerk and put up one of those obnoxious PayPal buttons so people could donate money to finance the upkeep of a free site. I have a hard time believing anyone ever uses those things, which is why I'd never try it myself. Even so, I figure if this little project has gotten me any extra attention at all, then I should at least try to use it to accoplish something.

So I'll lay it out like this: If you're reading this right now, and you've read my reviews and you like what you see, why don't you kick in five bucks or so over here. If you already have, then that's cool, but if you haven't then consider this a friendly reminder. Australia donated, and so did I, so if you want to join the Really Cool Club that me and Australian taxpayers just started today, here's your chance. We play foosball and talk about you behind your back, in case you're wondering. I guess I could do some sort of pledge-based thing, where people donate twelve cents every time I call Harry an idiot, or use "flighty temptress" in a sentence (twelve cents might not sound like much, but trust me, it'd add up real fast), but I'm too lazy to come up with something that complicated, so it's better if the money doesn't actually go through me at all. If you must, just pretend "Mike Smith" is an alias and my true name is "Red Cross". Actually, Red Cross would be a pretty cool name for someone to have, but that's neither here nor there.

And that's the end of the socially relevant part of our program.

( Next order of business, inside jokes. )

( And now, our feature presentation )

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Hello, I'm Vincent Crabbe. You may remember me from such films as "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban," and... "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: The IMAX Experience." But today I'm here to talk about something more important. Some of you may recall that in Chapter Seven of the new novel Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I was seen on the Hogwarts Express, reading a comic book. Being a minor character in a wildly successful franchise, many fans often become interested in my hobbies, and so rarely a day goes by when I'm not asked just what comic books I like to read.

(walks over to a stack of comics on a desk, next to a fireplace.) Being from England, a lot of my fans--I affectionately refer to them as "Crabbe Lice"--naturally assume that I'm into the Marvel UK line, or possibly the classic tongue-in-cheek escapades of the mutant supergroup "Excalibur". (holds up polybagged copy of Excalibur #91). And since I'm a wizard, it's sometimes assumed that I'm a big proponent of DC's "Vertigo" line, for it's supernatural themes and high-brow storylines. (holds up an issue of Books of Magic: Life During Wartime, and that one issue of Neil Gaiman's Death where Death shows kids how to put on a condom.)

Well, those are good guesses, but the fact of the matter is that these comics suck. (tosses them all into the fire) Let's be clear about this: I'm a kid who looks like Tor Johnson trying to fit in with a group of ne'er-do-wells. I can't be seen reading this kind of crap. I'm this close to scoring Pansy Parkinson on the rebound once Señor Draco figures out he's gay and dumps her, so I have to make a good impression in the meantime, and the only way I'm gonna do that... is with this. (holds up a copy of New Thunderbolts #12.) That's right, Mudbloods, it's New Thunderbolts, the best comic book on the market today. In this upcoming issue, the Purple Man uses his powers of persuasion to force the Thunderbolts to fight amongst themselves, and that's only the beginning, because after that... oh, why should I give it away? Now, you may be asking right now, "Hey, Vincent, how'd you get that issue if it hasn't come out yet?" The answer to that question is simple: magic.

But enough about me, let's talk about what happens after #12. October sees TWO new issues of New Thunderbolts, as the team does battle with the New Avengers at the behest of the Commission of Superhuman Activities. Those New Avengers are a bunch of poncy idiots, if you asked me, so it'll be very satisfying watching the T-Bolts whip their bums around for forty-four pages.

Well, I won't take up any more of your time. I'm due to appear in a brief scene with Señor Draco in Book 7. Just remember, when you think of me, remember to support my favorite comic by purchasing New Thunderbolts each and every month, wherever non-crappy comics are sold. Because, well, I'm stealing my comics from the future, so someone should be buying them, at least.

( And now, back to our feature presentation of brilliant detective work... or not. )