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Mike Smith
01 January 2008 @ 10:26 pm
31 December 2007 @ 02:05 pm
OK, confession time: I spent most of last night watching Mission: Impossible DVD's, so I didn't get he epilogue tacked on like I'd planned. So it looks like I will be spending part of 2008 working on this thing. Or... 2027. I don't know how it works anymore. I feel like I'm forty-nine, I'll tell ya that. Tomorrow night, this thing is gonna be done like Kun-Lun, which is where Iron Fist lives, I think.
( Last one, right? Right? )
( Last one, right? Right? )
30 December 2007 @ 04:54 pm
The Howard Stern Show's on vacation for the rest of the year, which is fine, since I don't really have time to listen to it. One of the nice things about the move to Sirius is that they can do new and different things to run during the vacations. In the olden days, what you got was "The Best of Stern", which was basically a bunch of clips from past shows spliced together, with very little indication that it was a clip show. I think the idea was to disguise it as a first-run episode, since most listeners don't tune in for more than thirty to sixty minutes at a time. The illusion sort of falls apart if you listen to the whole thing, though, since the Best Of shows always ended at 10:00 A.M. sharp, usually had no news segment from Robin, and pre-1994 Howard sounds like he's snorting helium. Also, once Artie Lange replaced Jackie Martling, you could spot a rerun easily just from the sound of Jackie's constat guffawing. One could argue that a clip show of highlights is a good substitute for a live broadcast, but by the end of the Terrestrial Era, the Best Of shows had become whittled down to the most inoffensive clips available. For instance, there's a great segment from about ten years ago where a hypnotist came into the studio and hypnotized Fred Norris to act like various people on the show, a Martian, etc. Even without listening to that many Best Ofs, I probably heard it eight or nine times between 2000 and 2003. This was probably because it was a good forty-five minute segment that could be broken up with commercials, and no one said "poop" or alluded to sexual intercourse. By 2005, I think the radio station actually aired the same Best Of show two days in a row.
Today, what Howard 100 does is put together weeklong events using the same library of material. The week of July 4 this year, I think it was some sort of musical theme, focusing on all the various bands and performers who'd come in to do live acts. Actually, that might have been last year, because I want to say they did a week of reruns focusing on the Beatles, and I remember avoiding my radio like it had the plague. They also started doing "Stern Spotlight", a feature that runs across two days' worth of shows that sort of works like a VH-1 documentary, dedicated to various former personalities on the show, like Billy West, best known as the voice of Stimpy and Fry from Futurama, and Jackie Martling, best known as the old guy I made![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
jim_smith put on his Livejournal back in March because he lost a bet. From a promotional standpoint, it makes a lot more sense, because if you're gonna listen to the show during the vacations, it might as well be a pre-packaged event, something that'll make it worth listening to from Monday to Friday. Me, I tend to ignore these things, mainly because I have other things to do, but I appreciate knowing that there's something airing that isn't just Howard talking about filming his movie back in 1995.
Last week, it's the "History of Howard Stern". The person, not the show, which I specify because I woke up on Monday to audio of Howard's octogenarian mom talking about how they had to move to a bigger house after Howard was born, with "The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B" playing in the background. WOOO! Take that FCC! Sarcasm aside, this is the sort of ambitious project that terrestrial radio networks would have never dared to approve, because it defies traditional formats. Five part series, thirty-odd hours long, long and costly post-production. Even with Stern's name attached, they'd have never gone for it. In principle, it's a victory for satellite radio that something like this even airs.
In practice, though, I'm not all that impressed. The secret to the Stern Show's success isn't the crude humor or sexual content, it's the honesty. This is why Howard can spend twenty minutes talking about walking his dog, and people will still hail it as the greatest radio show of all time. The only reason there's swearing and naked chicks is because Howard thinks that's good radio, so he puts it out there. If he didn't believe in that sort of raunchy content, it wouldn't succeed, because it'd come across as forced and pedantic. This is why Bob and Tom sucks so hard, because they'll do bits involving sexual content, but there's no truth or honesty attached to them, so they just come off stale. They laugh at their own jokes, probably because Jackie Martling used to laugh at his own jokes on the Stern Show, except Jackie did it because he's REALLY a shill and he's REALLY that insecure about his comedy, while Bob and Tom simply think that laughing at your own bits is the secret ingredient to radio gold. That in mind, an in-depth biography of Howard Stern makes sense, because it fits in with the primary topic of the show: Howard's life.
The problem is that Howard's been talking about his life for thirty years, so it's not exactly new content. What's in this radio special that wasn't in his book, or the movie based on the book? Today I tuned in and heard about Howard's very first day on the air, New Year's Day 1977, almost 31 years ago to the day. They had comments from his co-workers back then, and Howard himself, and then they just played the dramatization from "Private Parts". Then they played a clip from the Stern Show where Howard tells Robin about the same incident. This all just goes to show that much of what's on this special has already been covered, numerous times even. Really, Howard's been telling old radio stories on his show a lot these last few months, so it's probably become even more oversaturated than it would have been otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I find those conversations fascinating, and I appreciate that "The History of Howard Stern" finally puts all these anecdotes in chronological order, but it's still a lot of recycled material. Did you know Howard grew up in an all-black neighborhood? It's true! Did you know that when he worked for WNBC they made everyone announce the call-letters in a ridiculous inflection? Holy crap, there's even a YTMND of it. Dubyew ENNNNN bee-cee! Ten bucks says they still blow an hour talking about how dumb the management at WNBC was.
It's not a huge deal, and I've got a lifetime subscription to Sirius, which I feel has more than paid for itself, so I don't feel cheated or anything. It's just that when Stern talks about all the incredible things they can do now that they're on satellite, I tend to expect him to deliver. A year ago, Sam Simon (of the Simpsons) wrote a "radio sitcom" for the show, which Howard 100 promoted for about eight months straight. This is because it took eight months to friggin' make. The premise was that all the significant others of the people on the show would commiserate with each other and so forth, and include gags like Beth O plotting to murder Howard and inherit his fortune, and Fred Norris communicating only in sound effects while arguing with his wife. At least , I'm pretty sure that's what happened, because I never got to hear the program. They aired it all of twice and I missed it. Considering how it was hailed as the future of radio, written by the Einstein of situation comedy, with a cast of dozens, you'd think they'd play it a couple more times for those of us who have jobs and can't sit by the radio 24-7-365. The worst part was that they only made the one episode. What the ass is that? Sirius gave Howard TWO channels, and for the most part I can't tell there's more than 100 hours of original programming aired every week. Mercifully, they turned Howard 100 into a 24-7 replay of the live Stern Show, which is perfect, but Howard 101 is just the West Coast feed for the Stern Show, Bubba the Love Sponge, Ferrel, and then... hell, I don't even know. Mostly it's "roundtable" discussions of what happened on the Stern Show, and then if a Wack Packer gets a radio show as a goof they air it at night. I think that's about it, which probably means they fill out the rest of the broadcast day with Howard 100 News, which sucks rocks. "Did Artie Lange cheat on his diet and go into a McDonalds last week? He already said "yes" on the show, but we'll spend an hour talking about it anyway! Plus, Shuli says his hilarious catchphrase 'Shalom, bitch!' Get it? Because he's Jewish!"
The point here is that I don't see why there aren't bold new experiments like radio sitcoms, radio movies, etc. on the Howard channels, since they'd probably go over really well, and there's plenty of room in the programming schedule to air them. Also, it'd be nice if they could make something funny or poignant without falling back on Howard Stern's cult of personality. For example, Howard used to be in talks with Spike TV to make a cartoon for them, back when they had a block of shitty adult cartoons. His concept: Howard Stern The High School Years. This is ridiculous, since the built-in audience already knows what high school was like for Howard, because he never shuts up about it on his radio show. He had another TV pitch that never went anywhere, a sci-fi concept titled "Doomsday". This one always captured my interest, simply because ne never divulged what it was about. Of course, it's probably just a cartoon about a microscopic civilization colonizing Baba Booey's teeth. This is what drives me nuts, because everyone already listens to the radio show, so why do we need TV shows, movies, cartoons, and radio programs about the show that everyone already listened to? It'd be like George Lucas making a movie where he tells you what happened in Star Wars.
On a related note, I was skimming an article at work about how those fan-produced Star Trek shows they put on the internet beat out Battlestar Galactica in some TV Guide poll. Frankly, this says more to me about how mugh Battlestar Galactica sucks than how scary good these Trek shows are, but the article also made mention of a Star Trek podcast, which I assume is the same concept only a radio drama. I'm a little apprehensive of the premise (a starship from the Captain Kirk era gets thrown into the future era of Next Generation), but I like the idea of a bunch of fans putting together their own radio show. Hell, you can probably download every sound effect and musical stinger from Star Trek there is, so all you really need is good sound equipment and a talent for voice acting, and you'd have yourself a quality broadcast. The real acid test is whether they got a good writer for this thing. Again, a 23rd Century ship trapped in the 24th Century doesn't sound very promising, so the jury's still out on that one. Still, I wouldn't mind checking something like this out. What'd be nice, though, is if businesses like Sirius and XM would start checking out these kinds of podcasts, and recruiting them to provide content. Not that an unauthorized Trek fanfic would fly, but I could dig a radio drama channel with programming made in this century.
Anyway... wait, I forgot what I was gonna say. ( Oh, right. )
Today, what Howard 100 does is put together weeklong events using the same library of material. The week of July 4 this year, I think it was some sort of musical theme, focusing on all the various bands and performers who'd come in to do live acts. Actually, that might have been last year, because I want to say they did a week of reruns focusing on the Beatles, and I remember avoiding my radio like it had the plague. They also started doing "Stern Spotlight", a feature that runs across two days' worth of shows that sort of works like a VH-1 documentary, dedicated to various former personalities on the show, like Billy West, best known as the voice of Stimpy and Fry from Futurama, and Jackie Martling, best known as the old guy I made
jim_smith put on his Livejournal back in March because he lost a bet. From a promotional standpoint, it makes a lot more sense, because if you're gonna listen to the show during the vacations, it might as well be a pre-packaged event, something that'll make it worth listening to from Monday to Friday. Me, I tend to ignore these things, mainly because I have other things to do, but I appreciate knowing that there's something airing that isn't just Howard talking about filming his movie back in 1995. Last week, it's the "History of Howard Stern". The person, not the show, which I specify because I woke up on Monday to audio of Howard's octogenarian mom talking about how they had to move to a bigger house after Howard was born, with "The Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Company B" playing in the background. WOOO! Take that FCC! Sarcasm aside, this is the sort of ambitious project that terrestrial radio networks would have never dared to approve, because it defies traditional formats. Five part series, thirty-odd hours long, long and costly post-production. Even with Stern's name attached, they'd have never gone for it. In principle, it's a victory for satellite radio that something like this even airs.
In practice, though, I'm not all that impressed. The secret to the Stern Show's success isn't the crude humor or sexual content, it's the honesty. This is why Howard can spend twenty minutes talking about walking his dog, and people will still hail it as the greatest radio show of all time. The only reason there's swearing and naked chicks is because Howard thinks that's good radio, so he puts it out there. If he didn't believe in that sort of raunchy content, it wouldn't succeed, because it'd come across as forced and pedantic. This is why Bob and Tom sucks so hard, because they'll do bits involving sexual content, but there's no truth or honesty attached to them, so they just come off stale. They laugh at their own jokes, probably because Jackie Martling used to laugh at his own jokes on the Stern Show, except Jackie did it because he's REALLY a shill and he's REALLY that insecure about his comedy, while Bob and Tom simply think that laughing at your own bits is the secret ingredient to radio gold. That in mind, an in-depth biography of Howard Stern makes sense, because it fits in with the primary topic of the show: Howard's life.
The problem is that Howard's been talking about his life for thirty years, so it's not exactly new content. What's in this radio special that wasn't in his book, or the movie based on the book? Today I tuned in and heard about Howard's very first day on the air, New Year's Day 1977, almost 31 years ago to the day. They had comments from his co-workers back then, and Howard himself, and then they just played the dramatization from "Private Parts". Then they played a clip from the Stern Show where Howard tells Robin about the same incident. This all just goes to show that much of what's on this special has already been covered, numerous times even. Really, Howard's been telling old radio stories on his show a lot these last few months, so it's probably become even more oversaturated than it would have been otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I find those conversations fascinating, and I appreciate that "The History of Howard Stern" finally puts all these anecdotes in chronological order, but it's still a lot of recycled material. Did you know Howard grew up in an all-black neighborhood? It's true! Did you know that when he worked for WNBC they made everyone announce the call-letters in a ridiculous inflection? Holy crap, there's even a YTMND of it. Dubyew ENNNNN bee-cee! Ten bucks says they still blow an hour talking about how dumb the management at WNBC was.
It's not a huge deal, and I've got a lifetime subscription to Sirius, which I feel has more than paid for itself, so I don't feel cheated or anything. It's just that when Stern talks about all the incredible things they can do now that they're on satellite, I tend to expect him to deliver. A year ago, Sam Simon (of the Simpsons) wrote a "radio sitcom" for the show, which Howard 100 promoted for about eight months straight. This is because it took eight months to friggin' make. The premise was that all the significant others of the people on the show would commiserate with each other and so forth, and include gags like Beth O plotting to murder Howard and inherit his fortune, and Fred Norris communicating only in sound effects while arguing with his wife. At least , I'm pretty sure that's what happened, because I never got to hear the program. They aired it all of twice and I missed it. Considering how it was hailed as the future of radio, written by the Einstein of situation comedy, with a cast of dozens, you'd think they'd play it a couple more times for those of us who have jobs and can't sit by the radio 24-7-365. The worst part was that they only made the one episode. What the ass is that? Sirius gave Howard TWO channels, and for the most part I can't tell there's more than 100 hours of original programming aired every week. Mercifully, they turned Howard 100 into a 24-7 replay of the live Stern Show, which is perfect, but Howard 101 is just the West Coast feed for the Stern Show, Bubba the Love Sponge, Ferrel, and then... hell, I don't even know. Mostly it's "roundtable" discussions of what happened on the Stern Show, and then if a Wack Packer gets a radio show as a goof they air it at night. I think that's about it, which probably means they fill out the rest of the broadcast day with Howard 100 News, which sucks rocks. "Did Artie Lange cheat on his diet and go into a McDonalds last week? He already said "yes" on the show, but we'll spend an hour talking about it anyway! Plus, Shuli says his hilarious catchphrase 'Shalom, bitch!' Get it? Because he's Jewish!"
The point here is that I don't see why there aren't bold new experiments like radio sitcoms, radio movies, etc. on the Howard channels, since they'd probably go over really well, and there's plenty of room in the programming schedule to air them. Also, it'd be nice if they could make something funny or poignant without falling back on Howard Stern's cult of personality. For example, Howard used to be in talks with Spike TV to make a cartoon for them, back when they had a block of shitty adult cartoons. His concept: Howard Stern The High School Years. This is ridiculous, since the built-in audience already knows what high school was like for Howard, because he never shuts up about it on his radio show. He had another TV pitch that never went anywhere, a sci-fi concept titled "Doomsday". This one always captured my interest, simply because ne never divulged what it was about. Of course, it's probably just a cartoon about a microscopic civilization colonizing Baba Booey's teeth. This is what drives me nuts, because everyone already listens to the radio show, so why do we need TV shows, movies, cartoons, and radio programs about the show that everyone already listened to? It'd be like George Lucas making a movie where he tells you what happened in Star Wars.
On a related note, I was skimming an article at work about how those fan-produced Star Trek shows they put on the internet beat out Battlestar Galactica in some TV Guide poll. Frankly, this says more to me about how mugh Battlestar Galactica sucks than how scary good these Trek shows are, but the article also made mention of a Star Trek podcast, which I assume is the same concept only a radio drama. I'm a little apprehensive of the premise (a starship from the Captain Kirk era gets thrown into the future era of Next Generation), but I like the idea of a bunch of fans putting together their own radio show. Hell, you can probably download every sound effect and musical stinger from Star Trek there is, so all you really need is good sound equipment and a talent for voice acting, and you'd have yourself a quality broadcast. The real acid test is whether they got a good writer for this thing. Again, a 23rd Century ship trapped in the 24th Century doesn't sound very promising, so the jury's still out on that one. Still, I wouldn't mind checking something like this out. What'd be nice, though, is if businesses like Sirius and XM would start checking out these kinds of podcasts, and recruiting them to provide content. Not that an unauthorized Trek fanfic would fly, but I could dig a radio drama channel with programming made in this century.
Anyway... wait, I forgot what I was gonna say. ( Oh, right. )
16 December 2007 @ 03:08 pm
11 December 2007 @ 10:50 am
AUTOBOT HEADQUARTERS, EARLIER
ALARM: D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet!
( Sorry I'm late. Been busy )
ALARM: D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet! D-deet!
( Sorry I'm late. Been busy )
02 December 2007 @ 04:02 pm
OK, it's been like a month, and I've only reviewed one chapter. This rassum-frassum book is starting to encroach upon my Christmas time, and I'm gonna be too busy checking out the X-E Advent Calendar to want to waste time on this nonsense. As a certain kickass video game soundbyte said, "Let's finish it!"
I'd like to express my profound gratitude/disappointment in YOU, for giving Kool-Aid Man victory over Tom Cruise, only to hand him ignominous defeat at the hands of General Kenobi. The Bash Wars II finals are on right now, but the Vermillion Vangaurd won't be there. My only solace is in knowing that at least that peckerhead Cruise didn't make it either.
On the other hand, his cWo flunky Dr. House did make it to the finals. House blows, and the cWo blows. "Duh, I'm a doctor and I know everything. Did you watch ECW last night? They had some really great workrate. Four and one-quarter stars!" I despise both of these men, but at least Kenobi I respect. Kool-Aid Man laid low the Great Cruise Hope, but I still demand internet revenge. Like Kahn at the end of Star Trek II, I'm putting everything I've got into one final wave of spite. If Kool-Aid Man can't win, then I'm throwing my support behind Obi-Wan, because I damn sure don't want that gimp House taking the title. I f***ing hate you, House. You're like Wil Wheaton, Shrek, and Linux all rolled into one overrated, overexposed, overhyped package. I hope Obi-Wan Kenobi shoves that cane so far up your ass that it pokes out your mouth, and then he bends the other end around and sticks THAT up your ass too, so you're like some Möbius Strip of anal torture.
If you have loved me, or if you have ever loved me, I implore you to join this community, and vote for Kenobi. Don't let that insufferable douche House win. Do as I ask, and maybe you'll get to see how this book turns out before January.
All right, so where was I?
( Cut )
I'd like to express my profound gratitude/disappointment in YOU, for giving Kool-Aid Man victory over Tom Cruise, only to hand him ignominous defeat at the hands of General Kenobi. The Bash Wars II finals are on right now, but the Vermillion Vangaurd won't be there. My only solace is in knowing that at least that peckerhead Cruise didn't make it either.
On the other hand, his cWo flunky Dr. House did make it to the finals. House blows, and the cWo blows. "Duh, I'm a doctor and I know everything. Did you watch ECW last night? They had some really great workrate. Four and one-quarter stars!" I despise both of these men, but at least Kenobi I respect. Kool-Aid Man laid low the Great Cruise Hope, but I still demand internet revenge. Like Kahn at the end of Star Trek II, I'm putting everything I've got into one final wave of spite. If Kool-Aid Man can't win, then I'm throwing my support behind Obi-Wan, because I damn sure don't want that gimp House taking the title. I f***ing hate you, House. You're like Wil Wheaton, Shrek, and Linux all rolled into one overrated, overexposed, overhyped package. I hope Obi-Wan Kenobi shoves that cane so far up your ass that it pokes out your mouth, and then he bends the other end around and sticks THAT up your ass too, so you're like some Möbius Strip of anal torture.
If you have loved me, or if you have ever loved me, I implore you to join this community, and vote for Kenobi. Don't let that insufferable douche House win. Do as I ask, and maybe you'll get to see how this book turns out before January.
All right, so where was I?
( Cut )
18 November 2007 @ 12:29 pm
All right, we're back, and we have the combination! I just want to get a few things off my chest before we get started, though.
We started this book at the dawn of Bash Wars Revenge, a competition pitting mighty warriors from the first Bash Wars Tournament against one another in an eight-man elimination tag. YOU voted in that scrap, and YOU helped ensure that Kool-Aid Man emerged as the sole survivor.
Now, as I wind down this craptacular novel, we have seen a new competition begun, BASH WARS II: BASH WARSER. Once again, the Kool-Aid Man has stepped up to the plate and smashed his way into the quarterfinals. Frankly, I didn't even bother lobbying for him until now, because with a name and reputation like Kool-Aid Man's, he could coast his way to victory with no help from me. But now, he's faced against a more daunting challenge: Tom Cruise.
I don't really know what the hellt0mcruise's deal is. Go read his blog and see if you can figure it out. Frankly, I don't care. That's the difference between fighters like Tom Cruise and fighters like Kool-Aid Man (and by proxy, me). Tom Cruise can jump up and down on a couch, Tom Cruise can run around smiling like it's still 1987 and anyone gives a shit about him, Tom Cruise can go lead his Cruise World Order into the forest somewhere and they can circle jerk each other into some sort of homoerotic orgasmic fever dream. Lots of energy, that guy. Nothin' wrong with enthusiasm.
With Kool-Aid Man, though, he doesn't just prance around squeeing over all the fun stuff he's gonna do. Kool-Aid Man freaking does it. Smash through walls? Did it. Battle Kitty Pryde? Did it. Created Purplesaurus Rex? I don't see Crystal Light taking credit for that one. Somewhere in the![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif)
gore_sports comments, Tom started running his mouth, talking about how much I suck and how much Kool-Aid Man sucks, and I was gonna link to that, except he deleted the comment. That's how you know Tom Cruise isn't for real. Kool-Aid Man always stands behind what he says, whether he's declaring that kids should drink Kool-Aid, or answering some unasked question in the affirmative. More importantly, Tom Cruise is afraid of the Kool-Aid Man. He was calling him out as early as the Octo-whatever-you-call-'em-finals, and now that they're slated to face each other? Nothin'. Scared crapless, he is.
Now, I'm gonna be the bigger man here and give the guy from "Cocktail" his due: I respect Tom Cruise. I like what he did there with Katie Holmes. People complain that he mind-controls her with his Space Religion, but it's not like Katie Holmes was really taking full advantage of her free will to begin with. I prefer the idea that she's been shaved bald, robot-marching throughout the Cruise estate, saying things like "Yes-master. Slavebot-Holmes-will-wear-a-crude-bikini-f
But this is a deathsport, pure and simple, and that means its either him or me, and it damn well ain't gonna be me. I got a lot of respect for Mick Dundee, but that didn't save his ass either. That's where YOU come in, once again. I don't know for a fact that I can beat this guy. I'm admitting it plainly. I'd love nothing better than to crush his bones and break his spirit, and take possession of slavebot Holmes. She can do my laundry. But I don't know that I can make it happen. So I need YOU, gentle reader, to stand up for what's right. Joingore_sports. Vote for Kool-Aid Man. And vote for those other peckers in the tournament too if you want. I don't care. But VOTE FOR KOOL-AID MAN. He's done nothing but provide you with delicious, refreshing soft drinks, and countless metaphors for cult-like activity. Don't you abandon him in his darkest hour. I thank you for your time.
Now, as for this book, I haven't got much time left, but this chapter is chock full of stuff going on, so I'm not sure how to handle it. I know I shouldn't do this, but this isn't the time to worry about conserving good gags...
( Kaaaaa... meee... haaaaa...meeee........ )
We started this book at the dawn of Bash Wars Revenge, a competition pitting mighty warriors from the first Bash Wars Tournament against one another in an eight-man elimination tag. YOU voted in that scrap, and YOU helped ensure that Kool-Aid Man emerged as the sole survivor.
Now, as I wind down this craptacular novel, we have seen a new competition begun, BASH WARS II: BASH WARSER. Once again, the Kool-Aid Man has stepped up to the plate and smashed his way into the quarterfinals. Frankly, I didn't even bother lobbying for him until now, because with a name and reputation like Kool-Aid Man's, he could coast his way to victory with no help from me. But now, he's faced against a more daunting challenge: Tom Cruise.
I don't really know what the hell
t0mcruise's deal is. Go read his blog and see if you can figure it out. Frankly, I don't care. That's the difference between fighters like Tom Cruise and fighters like Kool-Aid Man (and by proxy, me). Tom Cruise can jump up and down on a couch, Tom Cruise can run around smiling like it's still 1987 and anyone gives a shit about him, Tom Cruise can go lead his Cruise World Order into the forest somewhere and they can circle jerk each other into some sort of homoerotic orgasmic fever dream. Lots of energy, that guy. Nothin' wrong with enthusiasm. With Kool-Aid Man, though, he doesn't just prance around squeeing over all the fun stuff he's gonna do. Kool-Aid Man freaking does it. Smash through walls? Did it. Battle Kitty Pryde? Did it. Created Purplesaurus Rex? I don't see Crystal Light taking credit for that one. Somewhere in the
gore_sports comments, Tom started running his mouth, talking about how much I suck and how much Kool-Aid Man sucks, and I was gonna link to that, except he deleted the comment. That's how you know Tom Cruise isn't for real. Kool-Aid Man always stands behind what he says, whether he's declaring that kids should drink Kool-Aid, or answering some unasked question in the affirmative. More importantly, Tom Cruise is afraid of the Kool-Aid Man. He was calling him out as early as the Octo-whatever-you-call-'em-finals, and now that they're slated to face each other? Nothin'. Scared crapless, he is. Now, I'm gonna be the bigger man here and give the guy from "Cocktail" his due: I respect Tom Cruise. I like what he did there with Katie Holmes. People complain that he mind-controls her with his Space Religion, but it's not like Katie Holmes was really taking full advantage of her free will to begin with. I prefer the idea that she's been shaved bald, robot-marching throughout the Cruise estate, saying things like "Yes-master. Slavebot-Holmes-will-wear-a-crude-bikini-f
brandawg enter Bash Wars and go this far. He's an inspiration to all borderline midgets and the Seems Gay Community at the same time. Prince and Orlando Bloom should feel proud to have a guy like Tom fighting for their values. But this is a deathsport, pure and simple, and that means its either him or me, and it damn well ain't gonna be me. I got a lot of respect for Mick Dundee, but that didn't save his ass either. That's where YOU come in, once again. I don't know for a fact that I can beat this guy. I'm admitting it plainly. I'd love nothing better than to crush his bones and break his spirit, and take possession of slavebot Holmes. She can do my laundry. But I don't know that I can make it happen. So I need YOU, gentle reader, to stand up for what's right. Join
gore_sports. Vote for Kool-Aid Man. And vote for those other peckers in the tournament too if you want. I don't care. But VOTE FOR KOOL-AID MAN. He's done nothing but provide you with delicious, refreshing soft drinks, and countless metaphors for cult-like activity. Don't you abandon him in his darkest hour. I thank you for your time. Now, as for this book, I haven't got much time left, but this chapter is chock full of stuff going on, so I'm not sure how to handle it. I know I shouldn't do this, but this isn't the time to worry about conserving good gags...
( Kaaaaa... meee... haaaaa...meeee........ )
31 October 2007 @ 09:59 pm
21 October 2007 @ 01:25 pm
Some days, a gag falls in your lap that you can't refuse. ( This is one of those days. )
20 October 2007 @ 11:05 am
My patience is really wearing thin with this book. I finished it this week, just so you know. This has enabled me to go back and look at all the spoilers on my flist from three months ago and confirm my findings that this book is a pile of dookie. None of this exactly compels me to reveiw it any faster. And yet, I suppose I ought to press on... ( wait, what's that over there? )
12 October 2007 @ 09:48 pm
06 October 2007 @ 08:47 pm
30 September 2007 @ 01:38 pm
Had an irritating day yesterday, which I'm not really in the mood to go into. This morning was about as bad, since I decided to eat at Denny's for breakfast and wound up sitting next to a family of four, with the two most annoying children in the universe. Actually, they weren't that bad, as children in restaurants go, it's just that between that and the bad service, I was getting pretty irritated. One or the other I can handle, but not both, not after yesterday. I gotta start learning how to cook my own bacon and eggs, because that's really all I was after, and really Denny's isn't exaclty making such awesome eggs that it's worth driving across town and waiting an hour to eat them. Actually, part of my motivation for going there was because they sent me a flier months ago announcing that they'd renovated the place, but I can't really tell they did anything major. It's not worth going into, though.
The important thing is that I can take some time out and enjoy the simple pleasures of writing about something interesting. Let's see what we've got here.
( Aw, dammit. )
The important thing is that I can take some time out and enjoy the simple pleasures of writing about something interesting. Let's see what we've got here.
( Aw, dammit. )
23 September 2007 @ 12:19 pm
16 September 2007 @ 01:45 pm
12 September 2007 @ 11:17 pm
07 September 2007 @ 07:08 pm
Yeah, I'm starting to remember why these things always take me until November to finish.
I'm stuck without air conditioning this weekend. Not that this is a big problem, since I've been going without it all week, mainly because I never found the time to tell the apartment complex it was busted. Thing's been rattling and grinding for days, I was mostly just happy it finally shut up. And on the bright side, it's raining right now, so the heat's not something I really need to worry about.
( Cut )
I'm stuck without air conditioning this weekend. Not that this is a big problem, since I've been going without it all week, mainly because I never found the time to tell the apartment complex it was busted. Thing's been rattling and grinding for days, I was mostly just happy it finally shut up. And on the bright side, it's raining right now, so the heat's not something I really need to worry about.
( Cut )
02 September 2007 @ 07:22 pm
01 September 2007 @ 07:06 pm
Sorry to blow off this next installment for so long. Although really, I've gone through sixteen of these in five weeks, so I'd say that's worth a break or two.
Admittedly, some of this is due to me being in kind of a funk the last couple of days. This in itself is probably a side-effect to me trying to cut back my caffiene intake. I say this because I walked to the gas station this afternoon to buy a Diet Coke and I already feel much better than I did before I left. I've tried to kick caffiene before, although in the past it was just on a matter of young, idealistic principle. Now, I feel I'm to the point where I've been drinking way too many Diet Dr. Peppers in one day, to where I'm either jittery and anxious or lethargic and morose. Also, I'm sick of having to pee fifty times a day.
So far, I've managed to scale it back to just drinking Diet Coke for breakfast and lunch during the week, and maybe a bottle to get me through the weekend, and that's it. The flip side of that is that I can get pretty depressed at night, which doesn't necessarily lend itself to BIG KOMEDY LAFFS I'm trying to generate here. It occurred to me on the way back from my walk that these fits of depression aren't even rational. For example, I was feeling bummed out last night about my increasingly withdrawn and solitary lifestyle, in spite of the fact that I attended TWO conventions this month and was basically living with my brother for half of August. I'm not stuck in my job, because I'm kind of enjoying the work, and I can get a new job anytime, which I've already done four years ago. I won't get into the rest, but mostly it involves the sort of things that a fifty-year-old man might worry about, but a thirty-year-old probably shouldn't sweat. Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not hee-ull. I probably can't blame all of this on caffiene, but the severity of the mood swings I'm getting as I cut back should demonstrate just how much I was consuming before. My last YTMND only got a couple hundred views and averaged a 2.5 rating, and somehow this doesn't bother me as much as it did before.
Anyway, everyone's happy now, sun's shining, John 3:16, bought an Oreo ice cream bar to go with my drink, etc. Also, I discovered an interesting item at the Circle K. You've probably all seen those crappy DVDs they sell at gas stations, right? Well, I looked over the rack at this store and spotted nothing less but "Merlin's Shop of Mysical Wonders". If you haven't heard of the movie, it was this low-budget film that was basically three other films stitched together in a patchwork abomination. Ernest Borgnine frames the piece as a TV writer who refits one of his rejected scripts as a bedtime story for his grandson during a blackout. So it's kind of like "The Princess Bride," only it blows. Anyway, Borgnine's tale is about the wizard Merlin, who starts a magic shop in 20th Century America. He tricks an obnoxious reviewer into turning himself into a baby, and then in a completely different plotline, someone steals a cursed monkey toy from his store and it slowly wreaks havoc upon a dreary suburban family. The only real significance of this crap pile was that it was savaged mercilessly when it was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, becoming one of the fan-favorite episodes of the series. Mainly, I wanted to see the original cut, because MST3K has to edit down their movies to fit the time constraints, and I was interested to see what other tidbits there were. Also, I was amused by the cover to the DVD box, which looks like a fantasy painting from some fourth-grade girl's shitty Trapper Keeper. The worst part is seeing Merlin's unttractive wife Zurella, hanging onto Merlin's leg and posing like Princess Leia in the original Star Wars poster. Eggghh...
The other funny thing about buying this DVD was that the cashier didn't understand how it worked. The case had a bright orange sticker that explained the case was empty, so you had to pay for it and then the cashier would supply you with the DVD. I assume this was done to deter theives, although the idea of anyone stealing gas station DVD's is highly amusing to me. And yet, this lady seemed perfectly willing to just let me walk off with the empty case, because she didn't know any of this. I patiently explained the sticker to her, but as far as she was concerned, it was shrink wrapped, so it must have had a DVD inside. Fortunately, the other cashier explained that I was right, and got me the rest of my purchase. This led to the following exchange:
CASHIER 1: You mean they never showed you how to get the DVD's in back?
CASHIER 2: Well, no one's ever bought one before.
So that confirms my suspicions. As Unicron said, it pleases me to be the first. ( But I've stalled long enough... )
Admittedly, some of this is due to me being in kind of a funk the last couple of days. This in itself is probably a side-effect to me trying to cut back my caffiene intake. I say this because I walked to the gas station this afternoon to buy a Diet Coke and I already feel much better than I did before I left. I've tried to kick caffiene before, although in the past it was just on a matter of young, idealistic principle. Now, I feel I'm to the point where I've been drinking way too many Diet Dr. Peppers in one day, to where I'm either jittery and anxious or lethargic and morose. Also, I'm sick of having to pee fifty times a day.
So far, I've managed to scale it back to just drinking Diet Coke for breakfast and lunch during the week, and maybe a bottle to get me through the weekend, and that's it. The flip side of that is that I can get pretty depressed at night, which doesn't necessarily lend itself to BIG KOMEDY LAFFS I'm trying to generate here. It occurred to me on the way back from my walk that these fits of depression aren't even rational. For example, I was feeling bummed out last night about my increasingly withdrawn and solitary lifestyle, in spite of the fact that I attended TWO conventions this month and was basically living with my brother for half of August. I'm not stuck in my job, because I'm kind of enjoying the work, and I can get a new job anytime, which I've already done four years ago. I won't get into the rest, but mostly it involves the sort of things that a fifty-year-old man might worry about, but a thirty-year-old probably shouldn't sweat. Crawling in my skin, these wounds they will not hee-ull. I probably can't blame all of this on caffiene, but the severity of the mood swings I'm getting as I cut back should demonstrate just how much I was consuming before. My last YTMND only got a couple hundred views and averaged a 2.5 rating, and somehow this doesn't bother me as much as it did before.
Anyway, everyone's happy now, sun's shining, John 3:16, bought an Oreo ice cream bar to go with my drink, etc. Also, I discovered an interesting item at the Circle K. You've probably all seen those crappy DVDs they sell at gas stations, right? Well, I looked over the rack at this store and spotted nothing less but "Merlin's Shop of Mysical Wonders". If you haven't heard of the movie, it was this low-budget film that was basically three other films stitched together in a patchwork abomination. Ernest Borgnine frames the piece as a TV writer who refits one of his rejected scripts as a bedtime story for his grandson during a blackout. So it's kind of like "The Princess Bride," only it blows. Anyway, Borgnine's tale is about the wizard Merlin, who starts a magic shop in 20th Century America. He tricks an obnoxious reviewer into turning himself into a baby, and then in a completely different plotline, someone steals a cursed monkey toy from his store and it slowly wreaks havoc upon a dreary suburban family. The only real significance of this crap pile was that it was savaged mercilessly when it was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000, becoming one of the fan-favorite episodes of the series. Mainly, I wanted to see the original cut, because MST3K has to edit down their movies to fit the time constraints, and I was interested to see what other tidbits there were. Also, I was amused by the cover to the DVD box, which looks like a fantasy painting from some fourth-grade girl's shitty Trapper Keeper. The worst part is seeing Merlin's unttractive wife Zurella, hanging onto Merlin's leg and posing like Princess Leia in the original Star Wars poster. Eggghh...
The other funny thing about buying this DVD was that the cashier didn't understand how it worked. The case had a bright orange sticker that explained the case was empty, so you had to pay for it and then the cashier would supply you with the DVD. I assume this was done to deter theives, although the idea of anyone stealing gas station DVD's is highly amusing to me. And yet, this lady seemed perfectly willing to just let me walk off with the empty case, because she didn't know any of this. I patiently explained the sticker to her, but as far as she was concerned, it was shrink wrapped, so it must have had a DVD inside. Fortunately, the other cashier explained that I was right, and got me the rest of my purchase. This led to the following exchange:
CASHIER 1: You mean they never showed you how to get the DVD's in back?
CASHIER 2: Well, no one's ever bought one before.
So that confirms my suspicions. As Unicron said, it pleases me to be the first. ( But I've stalled long enough... )