All right, I have to admit, I'm actually looking forward to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Every time I get wrapped up in one of these books, the constant excuse defense I get is that each book leads into the next one, so I shouldn't expect too much from any single volume. Well, this being the last one, it means this is the author's one shot to impress me, because there's not gonna be any sequels to save her THIS time. It's time to put up or shut up, and that's the kind of stakes that get me interested. This'll either be a spectacular failure, with Rowling reverting to type and accomplishing nothing in her supposed climax, or she'll redeem the entire series with a conclusion worthy of a decade of buildup. I see no in-between here.
And sure, if this turns out to be a colossal bust, I'm gonna enjoy the heck out of it, since I enjoy these kinds of entertainment train wrecks anyway. In my head, this is gonna be the Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg of the world of Magic Schoolboy Literature. Al Capone's Vault, the Edsel, the New Universe, PlayStation 3, whatever analogy you wanna use. And YET, I can't shake the feeling that this might end up going the other way, mainly because I've read the previous book, and I can sort of see where the characters might go and how they'll be motivated, and how that might end up becoming a compelling, action packed suspense thriller. In my weakest moments, I almost find myself thinking this book will come out in July and be (gasp!) a good read.
Well, I know one cure for such unbridled enthusiasm.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE: A REVIEW BY MIKE SMITH
Yeah, that's right, this new book ain't supposed to be out for another few months, but I'm ready now, and if I haven't read this one before, it's new to me, right? I was never keen on doing too many of these things in a year, for fear of watering down the bit, but this is the shortest one in the series, so I figure it won't be too much of a hassle. I've brought down bigger men that you, Picard!
Since this is the inaugural HP title, and the third book I've ever read in the series, I figure there's probably gonna be a lot of newcomers who make the (understandable) assumption that this is my first barbecue. So let's establish a few ground rules, and hopefully get some misconceptions out of the way.
The year is 2007 A.D., and I'm Mike Smith, boy chemist and defender of the realm. In '05, I decided to see what all the fuss was about and read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, detailing my thoughts on my livejournal chapter-by-chapter. For years, I've held a deep, abiding resentment towards all things Harry Potter, but never really knew anything about him besides what little I've seen in the mainstream media. Completing the novel was something of a win-lose situation for me. The book itself was better than I expected it to be, since it steered well clear of the loquacious, roundabout prose you find in a lot of crappy fantasy novels, and the overall premise is rather compelling, since it's a society of people fighting an enemy they're not entirely sure they know how to defeat. On the other hand, actually reading about Harry Potter just made me hate him more than I ever had back when I didn't know anything about him. He's a sullen, unfocused punk who seems driven purely by selfishness, hatred, and revenge. His friends and allies don't seem to like him so much as they put up with him, and his enemies refuse to kill him because of some circular logic their boss came up with. The end result is a protagonist who almost reads like a supporting character in his own story, powerless to influence the course of events, yet inexplicably serving as the lynchpin to the entire saga. But overall, the experience of reviewing Book 6 was a largely rewarding one for me, so I decided to try it again in 2006 by picking on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This one was touted by fans as the strongest episode of the series, but my view is that it's not really any better or worse than Book 6.
In spite of what some may think, I never intended to attract the attention of a lot of HP fans, especially ones I'd never met before. For the most part they've been great, and I'm pleased to say that their patience has been one of the more favorable findings of this little experiment of mine. Most of what I've known about the fandom comes from the horror stories of the nutbar crowd, the folks who think they know more about the books than the dame who wrote 'em, or the ones who seem determined to create controversy out of a handful of throwaway lines. Nevertheless, I should clear up a few things right here from the start.
1) I'm not trying to "give the books a chance". I've seen more than one reader lament that I just didn't enjoy the book as much as I could have, perhaps because I read them out of sequence, or in the wrong frame of mind. That's like watching an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and seriously thinking that Joel and the Bots would have liked "Master Ninja II" better if they'd paid closer attention to "Master Ninja I". The whole point to this gimmick is that I don't like Harry Potter, and I'm taking the time to write several thousand words about why I don't like him. The question isn't whether I'll still hate him in the end but rather whether he'll manage to impress me at all. Granted, there's always the chance that Book 1 here might surprise us all, but considering that it's the same characters, setting, and storyline as the others, I think it's a safe bet this one's gonna suck, too. So try not to take it too hard.
2) Yes, I know they call it "The Philosopher's Stone" in the original British publication. I'm dreading this one simply because I can almost feel the Harry Potter know-it-alls tripping over themselves to be the "first" one to tell me about this. Even now, as I write this, I'm positive that this warning will be skimmed over by some nerd on her way to reveal this vital information to me. Folks, I don't care who you are or what editions of this book you have, or what they changed when they released it in the United States, or how big the chapter artwork is in one version versus another. These are minutiae that only fans of a franchise could be interested in, and I am not one of those. So keep this in mind before you get set to tell me something that I either already knew or couldn't care less about. As far as I'm concerned, it says "Sorcerer's" on the cover, and that's what I'm gonna call it, too. You don't like it, here's a quarter.
3) Like MST3K, I have to keep my sanity as I review these awful novels, but I blew my Robot Friends budget on crappy anime and wrestling DVDs, among other things. If you're new to this, I tend to draw lots of comparisons between what I'm reading and things that are more familiar to me, like comic books and Dragon Ball Z. Also, when I get bored with the book, I start to make up stuff for my own amusement. My suggestion is that you just run with it.
4) I review the books one chapter at a time, on a pass/fail basis. This is because I'm too thorough to do it all at once, yet paradoxically too lazy to come up with a numerical rating scale. Go figure. When a chapter is GOOD, we'll be treated to a screencap of Tenchi Muyo! supporting cast member Airi Masaki giving the thumbs-up sign. When a chapter is BAD, Airi will take out my frustrations by slapping another character upside the head. I keep thinking I should come up with some new ratings system each time I do a new book, but... enh. This works. Besides, I like the idea of Tenchi's grandma getting some cross-promotion, and I'd like to think I'm responsible for her being recognized in another fandom simply for being the lady who rates the books.
Anyway, I've filibustered enough, let's get down to brass tacks.
Chapter Zero: Preread Experience
No special story here, I just had some Christmas money burning a hole in my pocket three months ago, so I went to a used bookstore and found a paperback copy for $3.48. Further, they were having a sale, so I wound up spending maybe $2.75 in all. Lot of people want me to cover Book 4 (Harry Potter and the Quest for Peace) or Book 5 (Harry Potter and Assignment: Miami Beach), for various reasons. Never say never, but the simple fact is that I ain't paying eight or nine bucks for a paperback copy of something I'm sure to hate. So Stone here makes the cut, simply because it's the cheapest one I've found so far. Also, it's far and away the shortest one in the lot, so that has a lot to do with it. Even so, the book has sat around in my apartment, waiting for me to come around to it.
The first couple of pages are loaded with the usual butt-kissing from the media. I realize this was a popular series, even from the start, but it's never ceased to amaze me how reviewers will make total idiots of themselves sucking up to J.K. Rowling. For instance, there's an excerpt from the New York Times review, which states, and I quote: "...the characters are impressively three-dimensional (occasionally four-dimensional!) and move along seamlessly through the narrative." Now what does that mean? Without the parenthetical, I'd admit that this is a perfectly valid assessment of Rowling's work. I'm trying to come up with a flat, stock character in the books I've read so far, and I'm having a hard time thinking of any. Crabbe and Goyle, maybe. I mean, they're basically no different from every big dumb "hired muscle" type for the schoolyard set. You can't even tell them apart from one another, let alone all the other versions from different genres. But that's all that springs to mind. So the Times has made its case, except they have to go that one step further and lose all credibility. What's a four-dimensional character? I mean, is that a joke, because unless time-travel ties into this book, I'm not getting it. This isn't mathematics here. When we talk abut round and flat characters in fiction, it's merely a distinction between developed personalities and undeveloped ones. "Four-dimension" just takes the analogy too far. It's meaningless. It'd be like me saying that the Avengers are infinity times better than the Justice League. It'd be like saying that the Yankees are such a solid team that they have a fifth baseman. Now I've stopped making a rational comparison, and I've descended into fannish hyperbole. For some reason, whenever Harry Potter is involved, this sort of thing is not only permitted, but expected, and it's one of the myriad of reasons I hate his guts. "Twenty thumbs up! Better than heroin! Fun for the entire family, and the descendants of their families unto the fourth generation!"
My perspective, as you'll find, is somewhat different...
Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived
(Original Japanese title: "The Vaguest Strength! ! When Harry was a baby."
I had always envisioned this chapter would depict the actual confrontation between Voldy-cakes and the Potter family, but sadly this is not to be. Instead, we kick things off with the Dursleys, introduced here as the epitome of normalcy in 1990's Great Britain. Mr. Dursley is described as a big fat guy with a mustache and a job with a drill factory. See? Three-dimensions. I had no idea he was in the drill business. It's like the character has taken on a life of his own. His wife has an unusually long neck, and is constantly eavesdropping and gossiping about everyone else. Three-dimensions! They also have a baby boy named Dudley. I think they have a car, too. I forget. They also have a SHOCKING SECRET that no one must ever discover. That'd be Lily Potter, Mrs. Dursley's estranged sister, and Lily's own husband and infant son. The book is extremely annoying in setting all this up. I don't know if Rowling is just being extra-cutesy here for her first time out, or if I'm just impatient with this setup since I already know what they're talking about.
So this chapter pretty much details Mr. Dursley's Really Strange Day. I wish I could remember his first name, because I really don't like calling the dude "mister". Anyway, he gets up that morning, picks out "his most boring tie", and gets into his car to go to work. Aha, I knew he had a car. That's how you can tell he's a three-dimensional character. On his way out the driveway, he happens to notice a cat sitting in the driveway reading a map, then looking at the street sign. But no way that's impossible cats can't read signs or maps that impossible no way how could this be happening everything's all nutty zany kookie pajamas. Then he's stuck in traffic and he notices a bunch of people walking around wearing different color cloaks. Well now I've seen everything people wearing cloaks in this day and age it's downright disgraceful why this is highly irregular I've never heard of such a thing in all my years. What Dursley doesn't seem to notice are a bunch of owls flying around in broad daylight, which begs the question of why the book bothers to point out events which aren't being directly observed by the characters.
Anyway, he also happens to overhear some dudes wearing cloaks while he's making a donut run during work, and they're talking about "Harry Potter". This freaks him out, since he's like 80% sure his nephew's name is "Harry Potter", or something along those lines, and the cloaks would fit right into his sister-in-law's nutty scene, but he decides it must be a coincidence, and goes on with his routine. Then he bumps into another guy in a cloak on his way home, who blathers on about how even Muggles should be rejoicing over the long-awaited fall of "You-Know-Who". That's just a stupid thing to say to someone whether you know what it means or not. So Dursley returns home to find that cat's still sitting near his house. Boy, that sure did pay off, huh? Back in the Durseley home, he watches the news and learns about the multiples daylight sightings of owls across England, and unexplained downpours of shooting stars instead of rain.
Cripes this is boring. Did we really need to start with the least interesting character in a book full of them? When I'm wishing we'd find out more about the drill manufacturing business, you know there's something wrong. Anyway, Pa Dursley decides he can't stand it anymore, and he asks his wife about her sister, just to be safe. Much to his regret, she confirms that their nephew's name is indeed "Harry". "Nasty, common name, if you ask me," she adds. Wait, I thought they liked ordinary things. Sigh...
Meanwhile.... the cat is STILL sitting outside their house. Great, that's just super. I'm glad Rowling took the time to establish the cat earlier so we could get to this exciting payoff. At long last someone finally shows up to rouse the cat from its vigil. That someone is our good friend Albus Dumbledore, and if you've never seen him before, I'll spare you the book's description and just tell you he looks a lot like Santa Claus's hippie vegan brother. Since "Dumbledore" is a long, stupid name, I prefer to call him "Big Al" or "D-dore" for short. Actually, I guess I could call him both at once. I never really thought of that. I guess we'll give that a try.
Immediately recognizing the cat, Big Al D-dore whips out a Zippo lighter and uses it to magically darken every street lamp in sight. Then he addresses the cat as "Professor McGonagall", who promptly assumes human form and expresses annoyance at being recognized. For a while, they discuss all the celebrations going on, and how irresponsible it is to so behave so overtly among "the Muggles", since they're bound to notice sooner or later. Finally, McGonagall asks if "You Know Who" is really gone, and Big Al D-dore assures her that he is, and that she should just call him "Voldemort" like he does. Word on the street is that Voldemort killed Lily and James Potter, but when he tried to finish off their son, something went haywire, and that's why he's "gone".
I notice that no one seems eager to describe Voldemort as "dead". I'd almost think that was some sort of self-censorship on behalf of the kids reading this, except the book's very clear about James and Lily being dead, so that's clearly not it. In point of fact, Voldemort's not dead, so the description is accurate, but I find it strange that everyone should be happy to hear that he's merely "gone". I mean, Osama Bin Laden is gone, but no one's particularly happy about that. "Gone" implies that he might come back later on, which means nothing's really been resolved. Worse, no one is entirely sure why this has happened, or how baby Harry drove off Voldemort in the first place. In other words, how does anyone know that Voldemort is "gone", or even weakened?
This is something I keep running into every time I come across these books. For all the good guy characters seem to fear Voldemort and for all their determination to stop him, no one seems to have a good grasp on what he is and how he works. People are afraid to say his name, except no one ever explains why. I mean, there is no "why", it's superstition, but even superstitions have cause and effect, even if they don't make any sense. If I step on a crack, I break my mother's back. If I say "Voldemort" out loud, what happens? Is he supposed to drop out of the sky and rip my heart out and eat it in front of me before I die? What? Dumbledore's supposed to be more powerful than Voldemort, so why doesn't he just take him down once and for all? I guess it's because no one can really find Voldemort, but if that's the case, then how does anyone know he's "gone"? And if they DO know he's gone, then why don't they know if he's alive or dead? And if they DON'T know, then why are they so reluctant to believe he's back by Book 5 or so?
And so on. As far as I've ever been able to tell, Voldemort's just a more powerful version of all the characters, like how Magneto is just another, stronger mutant to the X-Men, which doesn't seem like enough to justify his reputation as an omnipresent threat. I keep trying to figure out what it is that gives him such an edge over the good guys, but I don't think the good guys really seem to know either. It's all very confusing.
Anyway, McGonagall demands to know why Big Al has come here. Wait, why is she here? That's what I wanna know. D-dore explains that he intends to deliver the orphaned Harry to his next of kin which is, of course, the Dursleys. But McGonagall insists that this is a terrible idea, since she's watched the Dursley family all day, long enough to know they'd provide a terrible home for Harry Potter. "They'll never understand him! He'll be famous -- a legend -- I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future -- there will be books written about Harry -- every child in our world will know his name!" Well, that's prophetic...
Ah, but that's Dumbledore's whole purpose behind bringing him here. It'd spoil Harry to grow up a celebrity, to be admired for something he doesn't even remember doing. So better to have him raised among people who have no idea, to give him some semblance of a normal childhood. OK, that makes sense, but how does taking him here solve anything. Dumbledore's basically overcompensating. Instead of having Harry raised as a boy celebrity, he's setting him up to be raised by people who'll resent him for no reason at all. I don't see how that's any less damaging. If all he needs are Muggle caregivers, then why not just put him in an orphanage? Doesn't Harry have grandparents? It's not like this was ever an issue of the Dursleys or Nothing. But the decision's been made, so we're locked into a future of an adolescent Harry who stews in his own juices and despises anyone who stands in his way. Way to go, Al.
So to deliver the baby to his new home, a motorcycle drops out of the sky and a big dumb goof disembarks to bring him to the house. This'd be Hagrid, a big dumb goof who works for Dumbledore. Yeah, it's a good thing Dumbledore snuffed all the street lights earlier. This way it'll be too dark for anyone to hear the motorcycle. Read that line again if you didn't get the joke the first time. Everyone gets a good look at the baby, making sure to notice the lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. This prompts D-dore to mention the usefulness of scars, such as the one on his knee that looks exactly like a map of the London Underground. Ha ha ha it is funny. Before they can drop off the baby and get out of there, Hagrid asks to say one last goodbye to Harry, and then starts to cry. Oh, geez, one page into his first appearance and he's already sobbing like a little girl. Cripes, Hagrid, go be three dimensional someplace else.
And with the boy on the Dursley's doorstep, they all go their separate ways. So I guess we're just supposed to take it for granted that coyotes don't drag Harry away during the night, or that he won't freeze to death sleeping outdoors like this.
I appreciate all the foreshadowing here, but I think it's overdoing things a little. Rowling establishes that Harry and his family are tied into all the people with the cloaks, and that everyone else is a Muggle, but I don't think it would have been giving too much away to drop the terms "wizard" or "magic". As it is, we have McG and D-dore standing around in the middle of the night, talking about how some kid we never heard of may have beaten "You Know Who", except we don't know who, because this is the first book and we'd have no way of finding out. And we don't even know that he's really been beaten, since no one over the age of one actually saw what happened and lived to tell about it, but this is still apparently cause for someone to celebrate somehow, somewhere. Using owls. Frankly, this reads more like the end of a story than the beginning of another one, but that may be because I'm being reminded of the tail end of "Revenge of the Sith", which was inspired by this book, at least to some extent. In any case, I'm not terribly impressed with this as a beginning, since at this rate we've got a long way to go before anything interesting happens.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!!!!!!!!
And sure, if this turns out to be a colossal bust, I'm gonna enjoy the heck out of it, since I enjoy these kinds of entertainment train wrecks anyway. In my head, this is gonna be the Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg of the world of Magic Schoolboy Literature. Al Capone's Vault, the Edsel, the New Universe, PlayStation 3, whatever analogy you wanna use. And YET, I can't shake the feeling that this might end up going the other way, mainly because I've read the previous book, and I can sort of see where the characters might go and how they'll be motivated, and how that might end up becoming a compelling, action packed suspense thriller. In my weakest moments, I almost find myself thinking this book will come out in July and be (gasp!) a good read.
Well, I know one cure for such unbridled enthusiasm.
HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE: A REVIEW BY MIKE SMITH
Yeah, that's right, this new book ain't supposed to be out for another few months, but I'm ready now, and if I haven't read this one before, it's new to me, right? I was never keen on doing too many of these things in a year, for fear of watering down the bit, but this is the shortest one in the series, so I figure it won't be too much of a hassle. I've brought down bigger men that you, Picard!
Since this is the inaugural HP title, and the third book I've ever read in the series, I figure there's probably gonna be a lot of newcomers who make the (understandable) assumption that this is my first barbecue. So let's establish a few ground rules, and hopefully get some misconceptions out of the way.
The year is 2007 A.D., and I'm Mike Smith, boy chemist and defender of the realm. In '05, I decided to see what all the fuss was about and read Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, detailing my thoughts on my livejournal chapter-by-chapter. For years, I've held a deep, abiding resentment towards all things Harry Potter, but never really knew anything about him besides what little I've seen in the mainstream media. Completing the novel was something of a win-lose situation for me. The book itself was better than I expected it to be, since it steered well clear of the loquacious, roundabout prose you find in a lot of crappy fantasy novels, and the overall premise is rather compelling, since it's a society of people fighting an enemy they're not entirely sure they know how to defeat. On the other hand, actually reading about Harry Potter just made me hate him more than I ever had back when I didn't know anything about him. He's a sullen, unfocused punk who seems driven purely by selfishness, hatred, and revenge. His friends and allies don't seem to like him so much as they put up with him, and his enemies refuse to kill him because of some circular logic their boss came up with. The end result is a protagonist who almost reads like a supporting character in his own story, powerless to influence the course of events, yet inexplicably serving as the lynchpin to the entire saga. But overall, the experience of reviewing Book 6 was a largely rewarding one for me, so I decided to try it again in 2006 by picking on Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. This one was touted by fans as the strongest episode of the series, but my view is that it's not really any better or worse than Book 6.
In spite of what some may think, I never intended to attract the attention of a lot of HP fans, especially ones I'd never met before. For the most part they've been great, and I'm pleased to say that their patience has been one of the more favorable findings of this little experiment of mine. Most of what I've known about the fandom comes from the horror stories of the nutbar crowd, the folks who think they know more about the books than the dame who wrote 'em, or the ones who seem determined to create controversy out of a handful of throwaway lines. Nevertheless, I should clear up a few things right here from the start.
1) I'm not trying to "give the books a chance". I've seen more than one reader lament that I just didn't enjoy the book as much as I could have, perhaps because I read them out of sequence, or in the wrong frame of mind. That's like watching an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and seriously thinking that Joel and the Bots would have liked "Master Ninja II" better if they'd paid closer attention to "Master Ninja I". The whole point to this gimmick is that I don't like Harry Potter, and I'm taking the time to write several thousand words about why I don't like him. The question isn't whether I'll still hate him in the end but rather whether he'll manage to impress me at all. Granted, there's always the chance that Book 1 here might surprise us all, but considering that it's the same characters, setting, and storyline as the others, I think it's a safe bet this one's gonna suck, too. So try not to take it too hard.
2) Yes, I know they call it "The Philosopher's Stone" in the original British publication. I'm dreading this one simply because I can almost feel the Harry Potter know-it-alls tripping over themselves to be the "first" one to tell me about this. Even now, as I write this, I'm positive that this warning will be skimmed over by some nerd on her way to reveal this vital information to me. Folks, I don't care who you are or what editions of this book you have, or what they changed when they released it in the United States, or how big the chapter artwork is in one version versus another. These are minutiae that only fans of a franchise could be interested in, and I am not one of those. So keep this in mind before you get set to tell me something that I either already knew or couldn't care less about. As far as I'm concerned, it says "Sorcerer's" on the cover, and that's what I'm gonna call it, too. You don't like it, here's a quarter.
3) Like MST3K, I have to keep my sanity as I review these awful novels, but I blew my Robot Friends budget on crappy anime and wrestling DVDs, among other things. If you're new to this, I tend to draw lots of comparisons between what I'm reading and things that are more familiar to me, like comic books and Dragon Ball Z. Also, when I get bored with the book, I start to make up stuff for my own amusement. My suggestion is that you just run with it.
4) I review the books one chapter at a time, on a pass/fail basis. This is because I'm too thorough to do it all at once, yet paradoxically too lazy to come up with a numerical rating scale. Go figure. When a chapter is GOOD, we'll be treated to a screencap of Tenchi Muyo! supporting cast member Airi Masaki giving the thumbs-up sign. When a chapter is BAD, Airi will take out my frustrations by slapping another character upside the head. I keep thinking I should come up with some new ratings system each time I do a new book, but... enh. This works. Besides, I like the idea of Tenchi's grandma getting some cross-promotion, and I'd like to think I'm responsible for her being recognized in another fandom simply for being the lady who rates the books.
Anyway, I've filibustered enough, let's get down to brass tacks.
Chapter Zero: Preread Experience
No special story here, I just had some Christmas money burning a hole in my pocket three months ago, so I went to a used bookstore and found a paperback copy for $3.48. Further, they were having a sale, so I wound up spending maybe $2.75 in all. Lot of people want me to cover Book 4 (Harry Potter and the Quest for Peace) or Book 5 (Harry Potter and Assignment: Miami Beach), for various reasons. Never say never, but the simple fact is that I ain't paying eight or nine bucks for a paperback copy of something I'm sure to hate. So Stone here makes the cut, simply because it's the cheapest one I've found so far. Also, it's far and away the shortest one in the lot, so that has a lot to do with it. Even so, the book has sat around in my apartment, waiting for me to come around to it.
The first couple of pages are loaded with the usual butt-kissing from the media. I realize this was a popular series, even from the start, but it's never ceased to amaze me how reviewers will make total idiots of themselves sucking up to J.K. Rowling. For instance, there's an excerpt from the New York Times review, which states, and I quote: "...the characters are impressively three-dimensional (occasionally four-dimensional!) and move along seamlessly through the narrative." Now what does that mean? Without the parenthetical, I'd admit that this is a perfectly valid assessment of Rowling's work. I'm trying to come up with a flat, stock character in the books I've read so far, and I'm having a hard time thinking of any. Crabbe and Goyle, maybe. I mean, they're basically no different from every big dumb "hired muscle" type for the schoolyard set. You can't even tell them apart from one another, let alone all the other versions from different genres. But that's all that springs to mind. So the Times has made its case, except they have to go that one step further and lose all credibility. What's a four-dimensional character? I mean, is that a joke, because unless time-travel ties into this book, I'm not getting it. This isn't mathematics here. When we talk abut round and flat characters in fiction, it's merely a distinction between developed personalities and undeveloped ones. "Four-dimension" just takes the analogy too far. It's meaningless. It'd be like me saying that the Avengers are infinity times better than the Justice League. It'd be like saying that the Yankees are such a solid team that they have a fifth baseman. Now I've stopped making a rational comparison, and I've descended into fannish hyperbole. For some reason, whenever Harry Potter is involved, this sort of thing is not only permitted, but expected, and it's one of the myriad of reasons I hate his guts. "Twenty thumbs up! Better than heroin! Fun for the entire family, and the descendants of their families unto the fourth generation!"
My perspective, as you'll find, is somewhat different...
Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived
(Original Japanese title: "The Vaguest Strength! ! When Harry was a baby."
I had always envisioned this chapter would depict the actual confrontation between Voldy-cakes and the Potter family, but sadly this is not to be. Instead, we kick things off with the Dursleys, introduced here as the epitome of normalcy in 1990's Great Britain. Mr. Dursley is described as a big fat guy with a mustache and a job with a drill factory. See? Three-dimensions. I had no idea he was in the drill business. It's like the character has taken on a life of his own. His wife has an unusually long neck, and is constantly eavesdropping and gossiping about everyone else. Three-dimensions! They also have a baby boy named Dudley. I think they have a car, too. I forget. They also have a SHOCKING SECRET that no one must ever discover. That'd be Lily Potter, Mrs. Dursley's estranged sister, and Lily's own husband and infant son. The book is extremely annoying in setting all this up. I don't know if Rowling is just being extra-cutesy here for her first time out, or if I'm just impatient with this setup since I already know what they're talking about.
So this chapter pretty much details Mr. Dursley's Really Strange Day. I wish I could remember his first name, because I really don't like calling the dude "mister". Anyway, he gets up that morning, picks out "his most boring tie", and gets into his car to go to work. Aha, I knew he had a car. That's how you can tell he's a three-dimensional character. On his way out the driveway, he happens to notice a cat sitting in the driveway reading a map, then looking at the street sign. But no way that's impossible cats can't read signs or maps that impossible no way how could this be happening everything's all nutty zany kookie pajamas. Then he's stuck in traffic and he notices a bunch of people walking around wearing different color cloaks. Well now I've seen everything people wearing cloaks in this day and age it's downright disgraceful why this is highly irregular I've never heard of such a thing in all my years. What Dursley doesn't seem to notice are a bunch of owls flying around in broad daylight, which begs the question of why the book bothers to point out events which aren't being directly observed by the characters.
Anyway, he also happens to overhear some dudes wearing cloaks while he's making a donut run during work, and they're talking about "Harry Potter". This freaks him out, since he's like 80% sure his nephew's name is "Harry Potter", or something along those lines, and the cloaks would fit right into his sister-in-law's nutty scene, but he decides it must be a coincidence, and goes on with his routine. Then he bumps into another guy in a cloak on his way home, who blathers on about how even Muggles should be rejoicing over the long-awaited fall of "You-Know-Who". That's just a stupid thing to say to someone whether you know what it means or not. So Dursley returns home to find that cat's still sitting near his house. Boy, that sure did pay off, huh? Back in the Durseley home, he watches the news and learns about the multiples daylight sightings of owls across England, and unexplained downpours of shooting stars instead of rain.
Cripes this is boring. Did we really need to start with the least interesting character in a book full of them? When I'm wishing we'd find out more about the drill manufacturing business, you know there's something wrong. Anyway, Pa Dursley decides he can't stand it anymore, and he asks his wife about her sister, just to be safe. Much to his regret, she confirms that their nephew's name is indeed "Harry". "Nasty, common name, if you ask me," she adds. Wait, I thought they liked ordinary things. Sigh...
Meanwhile.... the cat is STILL sitting outside their house. Great, that's just super. I'm glad Rowling took the time to establish the cat earlier so we could get to this exciting payoff. At long last someone finally shows up to rouse the cat from its vigil. That someone is our good friend Albus Dumbledore, and if you've never seen him before, I'll spare you the book's description and just tell you he looks a lot like Santa Claus's hippie vegan brother. Since "Dumbledore" is a long, stupid name, I prefer to call him "Big Al" or "D-dore" for short. Actually, I guess I could call him both at once. I never really thought of that. I guess we'll give that a try.
Immediately recognizing the cat, Big Al D-dore whips out a Zippo lighter and uses it to magically darken every street lamp in sight. Then he addresses the cat as "Professor McGonagall", who promptly assumes human form and expresses annoyance at being recognized. For a while, they discuss all the celebrations going on, and how irresponsible it is to so behave so overtly among "the Muggles", since they're bound to notice sooner or later. Finally, McGonagall asks if "You Know Who" is really gone, and Big Al D-dore assures her that he is, and that she should just call him "Voldemort" like he does. Word on the street is that Voldemort killed Lily and James Potter, but when he tried to finish off their son, something went haywire, and that's why he's "gone".
I notice that no one seems eager to describe Voldemort as "dead". I'd almost think that was some sort of self-censorship on behalf of the kids reading this, except the book's very clear about James and Lily being dead, so that's clearly not it. In point of fact, Voldemort's not dead, so the description is accurate, but I find it strange that everyone should be happy to hear that he's merely "gone". I mean, Osama Bin Laden is gone, but no one's particularly happy about that. "Gone" implies that he might come back later on, which means nothing's really been resolved. Worse, no one is entirely sure why this has happened, or how baby Harry drove off Voldemort in the first place. In other words, how does anyone know that Voldemort is "gone", or even weakened?
This is something I keep running into every time I come across these books. For all the good guy characters seem to fear Voldemort and for all their determination to stop him, no one seems to have a good grasp on what he is and how he works. People are afraid to say his name, except no one ever explains why. I mean, there is no "why", it's superstition, but even superstitions have cause and effect, even if they don't make any sense. If I step on a crack, I break my mother's back. If I say "Voldemort" out loud, what happens? Is he supposed to drop out of the sky and rip my heart out and eat it in front of me before I die? What? Dumbledore's supposed to be more powerful than Voldemort, so why doesn't he just take him down once and for all? I guess it's because no one can really find Voldemort, but if that's the case, then how does anyone know he's "gone"? And if they DO know he's gone, then why don't they know if he's alive or dead? And if they DON'T know, then why are they so reluctant to believe he's back by Book 5 or so?
And so on. As far as I've ever been able to tell, Voldemort's just a more powerful version of all the characters, like how Magneto is just another, stronger mutant to the X-Men, which doesn't seem like enough to justify his reputation as an omnipresent threat. I keep trying to figure out what it is that gives him such an edge over the good guys, but I don't think the good guys really seem to know either. It's all very confusing.
Anyway, McGonagall demands to know why Big Al has come here. Wait, why is she here? That's what I wanna know. D-dore explains that he intends to deliver the orphaned Harry to his next of kin which is, of course, the Dursleys. But McGonagall insists that this is a terrible idea, since she's watched the Dursley family all day, long enough to know they'd provide a terrible home for Harry Potter. "They'll never understand him! He'll be famous -- a legend -- I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future -- there will be books written about Harry -- every child in our world will know his name!" Well, that's prophetic...
Ah, but that's Dumbledore's whole purpose behind bringing him here. It'd spoil Harry to grow up a celebrity, to be admired for something he doesn't even remember doing. So better to have him raised among people who have no idea, to give him some semblance of a normal childhood. OK, that makes sense, but how does taking him here solve anything. Dumbledore's basically overcompensating. Instead of having Harry raised as a boy celebrity, he's setting him up to be raised by people who'll resent him for no reason at all. I don't see how that's any less damaging. If all he needs are Muggle caregivers, then why not just put him in an orphanage? Doesn't Harry have grandparents? It's not like this was ever an issue of the Dursleys or Nothing. But the decision's been made, so we're locked into a future of an adolescent Harry who stews in his own juices and despises anyone who stands in his way. Way to go, Al.
So to deliver the baby to his new home, a motorcycle drops out of the sky and a big dumb goof disembarks to bring him to the house. This'd be Hagrid, a big dumb goof who works for Dumbledore. Yeah, it's a good thing Dumbledore snuffed all the street lights earlier. This way it'll be too dark for anyone to hear the motorcycle. Read that line again if you didn't get the joke the first time. Everyone gets a good look at the baby, making sure to notice the lightning-bolt-shaped scar on his forehead. This prompts D-dore to mention the usefulness of scars, such as the one on his knee that looks exactly like a map of the London Underground. Ha ha ha it is funny. Before they can drop off the baby and get out of there, Hagrid asks to say one last goodbye to Harry, and then starts to cry. Oh, geez, one page into his first appearance and he's already sobbing like a little girl. Cripes, Hagrid, go be three dimensional someplace else.
And with the boy on the Dursley's doorstep, they all go their separate ways. So I guess we're just supposed to take it for granted that coyotes don't drag Harry away during the night, or that he won't freeze to death sleeping outdoors like this.
I appreciate all the foreshadowing here, but I think it's overdoing things a little. Rowling establishes that Harry and his family are tied into all the people with the cloaks, and that everyone else is a Muggle, but I don't think it would have been giving too much away to drop the terms "wizard" or "magic". As it is, we have McG and D-dore standing around in the middle of the night, talking about how some kid we never heard of may have beaten "You Know Who", except we don't know who, because this is the first book and we'd have no way of finding out. And we don't even know that he's really been beaten, since no one over the age of one actually saw what happened and lived to tell about it, but this is still apparently cause for someone to celebrate somehow, somewhere. Using owls. Frankly, this reads more like the end of a story than the beginning of another one, but that may be because I'm being reminded of the tail end of "Revenge of the Sith", which was inspired by this book, at least to some extent. In any case, I'm not terribly impressed with this as a beginning, since at this rate we've got a long way to go before anything interesting happens.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: MOTORCYCLES DON'T FLY!!!!!!!!
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